Columnist ranks cookies from first to worst

I have an addiction. Some say they are not afraid. I am. I tried rehab, but I couldn’t get over it. Alas, Girl Scout Cookies have beat me. I accept defeat. 

When I walked up to the Girl Scouts table in front of Walmart with uncertainty, the towers of boxes stared back with a wicked look of diabetes. The 2019 Girl Scout list features Samoas, Tagalongs, Do-Si-Dos, Trefoils, Thin Mints, Savannah Smiles, S’mores, and Toffee-Tastic. With eight choices, I couldn’t decide. Cravings overtook logic, and I bought one of each. To help you not make the same mistake, I ranked the cookies from best to worst.

1. Thin Mints

I want to take these cookies out to a nice candle-lit dinner. The box claims the cookies are “crisp wafers covered in chocolaty coating made with natural oil of peppermint.” They’re wrong. Instead, the box should say “cookies made in heaven.” The thin wafer delivers a satisfying crunch with a cool, refreshing wave of chocolate mint that had me reaching for more. 

2. S’mores

The minute I opened the bag, I was hit with a Pop-Tart-esque aroma. I felt like Indiana Jones as I pulled out the plastic tray of cookies. I finally found my ancient treasure.  When your mouth meets the cookie, you’re confronted with four layers of pleasure. The crunch from the two outer graham cookies makes the inner chocolate and marshmallow layers feel like a rushing waterfall of softness and S’mores flavor.  

3. Samoas

Coconut, caramel and dark chocolate are all coated on a small, donut-shaped cookie. They are not something you can binge eat. Instead, it goes well as a filling snack. The cookie packs a lot of crunch, and the dark chocolate balances out the coconut, so no ingredient overpowers. However, the combination of ingredients are a little too much for me. 

4. Tagalongs

They look like a thick version of thin mints, and have a strong smell of peanut butter. If you’re a Reese’s fan, this is the cookie for you. I was expecting a tough crunch, but as my teeth sunk into the chocolate they were greeted with a soft peanut butter layer and a complimenting crunch at the end.

5. Savannah Smiles

These wedge cookies are a nice refreshment when consuming loads of chocolate. Similar to a cool glass of lemonade, they have a satisfying “ahhh” quality. They’re a nice switch-up compared to the traditional cookie, and get bonus points for using powdered sugar.

6. Trefoils

The scouts keep it simple with this cookie. It’s a traditional shortbread with a hard crunch that softens as you chew. But are they better than Grandma’s shortbreads? No. However, for such a well-known cookie, I was pleasantly surprised. I went in with skepticism but left reaching for more.  

7. Toffee-Tastic

The first thing I noticed was the “GLUTEN-FREE” stamped in bold on the box. The second was how big the cookies are compared to the others. It comes with a single sleeve. I assume it’s because they’re not good enough to have more. The cookie had a buttery taste with sweet toffee bits as described on the box, but crumbled into my hands every time I took a bite. It’s a failed attempt to modernize the cookies for a diet-sensitive population. 

8. Do-si-dos

The only good aspect was the unique oatmeal sandwich. Besides that, I was faced with a dull, flavorless taste. The peanut butter hides like a turtle in a shell. You can only see it for a second before it disappears again. Overall, it is a cookie that fails to achieve. If you like peanut butter, you’re better off with tagalongs.