Griffin gives readers an orderly holiday taste test

Food is honestly the holiest thing on this planet. From the pieces of the Thanksgiving meal that make your mouth water to feeling like you want to throw up. 

Putting order to the chaos of every holiday season, I review the following Thanksgiving foods in alphabetical order:

Cornbread: Cornbread? More like God’s greatest creation. This fluffy bread when topped with honey-butter spread is to die for and always tops off a great Thanksgiving meal or something to have on the side of a bowl of chili. 

Funeral Potatoes: I always hear the confusion about what this food is. It is a casserole of hashbrowns, sour cream, and cheese mixed together with salt, cornflakes, and more cheese sprinkled on top. It is one of the best forms of potatoes available to humans. Not only have I had this for Thanksgiving, but I sometimes ask for them on my birthday. I may be a bit biased towards a lot of potatoes since I am from Idaho, but that is where the best potato recipes come from. 

Green Bean Casserole: An interesting taste, obviously better with fried onions on top; although, that is just my poison. But, when this casserole is cold it doesn’t have the same appeal, it is so much better piping hot and fresh out of the oven. I have never tried cheese on it but it seems enticing so I may try that this Thanksgiving. 

Jellied Cranberry: I am not a fan of fruit, so even if the cranberries are jellied I would still refuse to eat them. I cringe as I notice people put jellied bits on their turkey. Cranberries are bitter and have a rancid taste to them, the jelly isn’t any better. 

Mashed Potatoes: As mentioned before, there are numerous ways to eat potatoes. Mashed potatoes are next best after Funeral. I prefer butter on my potatoes but gravy is just as fine. Creamy and savory. Mashed potatoes are so good that Lady Gaga could make a hit song about them, for all I know it is already in the works during this season. 

Pumpkin Pie: The only way to eat pumpkin pie is when it is homemade. That artificial stuff does not cut it. Use an actual pumpkin… yes, it is possible to use an actual pumpkin if you were unaware. The stuff in the can tastes like the crust under a sink. Disgusting. And, to top the pie off, you can never forget whipped cream. If you eat pie without whipped cream, I don’t know what kind of monster you are but I am afraid of you. 

Roasted Butternut Squash: Gag me with a spoon. I am a huge lover of vegetables but as soon as you cook, roast, or bake them their taste goes out the window and the only way you can salvage it is with lots of salt or hot sauce. However, if it were a regular butternut squash I would be all for eating it.

Rolls: The masterpiece of the meal. You can never have a Thanksgiving meal without rolls. Rolls are the true spirit of Thanksgiving. Forget the turkey, the warm, buttered bun that can fit in the palm of your hand trumps everything. It would be almost sacreligious to not eat rolls on Thanksgiving. I do apologize though if you have Celiac disease and do not have the chance to experience such celestial glory. You are truly missing out. 

Stuffed Mushrooms: These may not be part of the actual Thanksgiving meal, but they are great appetizers throughout the day. My family chooses to stuff the mushrooms with sausage and then we bake it. You could eat hundreds without feeling full so they are great to snack on throughout the whole day. 

Stuffing: I hate stuffing. Simple as that. “Oh, you just haven’t tried the right kind.” No. I do not like stuffing at all. My stomach turns and my head grows dizzy from the toxic stench. The worst type of food to have on Thanksgiving is stuffing. My family doesn’t even put stuffing in the turkey which I am thankful for. Even so, stuffing is rotted bread sprinkled with parsley and vinegar. Otherwise referred to as inedible.

Sweet Potatoes: In elementary school, these were always given to us for lunch during Thanksgiving time. They smell amazing, but the taste is contradictory. I can only stand to eat sweet potatoes with ranch. It may not be as healthy but who cares about the calories if it tastes good, right? (Just let me cry in the corner with my ranch, do not judge me.)

Turkey: The magnum opus of Thanksgiving. It may be second best to rolls but turkey is still amazing within itself. I have never tried a turducken but it does seem appealing. When my family cut the turkey, we usually separate the light and dark meat since the darker is tougher and everyone has their own preference. I prefer dark meat. I am an oddball and also like to use Worcestershire sauce with a lot of the meat I eat since it tastes bland without it. Totally recommend it, 10/10. 

Yams: I have actually never tried a yam, but I have rolled one across the floor with my nose for a Minute-to-Win-it game. They smell good cooked and look a bit like big carrots when peeled. Can you make fries out of yams? Loaded yams?

The possibilities for this Thanksgiving season are innumerable.